14 
Jealous?
Purchased.
Um, guys? Don’t give $20 to Glenn Beck. Buy a ticket for a good movie and then sneak in. #seeingterriblemovies101
2
I still get a little pre-pubescent electrical thrill when Alex P. Keaton rolls across the room in his desk chair. He was my first TV crush. (Sorry if everyone on the entire internet is putting this up today — been Jezebellin’)
25
Today, Remember the Poor Cheetah Victims
I hope everyone who reads this realizes it’s way too silly and made-up to take seriously on any level, so having said that I do feel a strange mixture of pride and embarrassment that the men in this article are three of my best guy friends. I would LOVE to see a riposte to this…surely these three cheetah victims, all in their mid-to-late thirties, also have something in common to which an appropriate taxonomy can be assigned…
11
Simpatico
“If it wouldn’t enrage my wife, I’d get Amy Grant’s face tattooed on my bicep, because last year her music saved me from the depths of hopelessness. You know?”
- John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats on Vulture today. (Related: tomorrow night Bell House omg!)
9
Scoop!
SNL just hired Jessi Klein to write for them. It’s the middle of the season and she is hilarious and has been (in my opinion) under-used because nobody knew what to do with her and her strong POV for years, so why don’t you go there and leave a comment stating the exact date of the last time you found SNL funny or whatever the people are doing*. Thank you.
* They’re doing that, precisely and only, and please don’t ever do that on anyone’s SNL post, ever.
4
I don’t know what kind of people made up Amazon’s default payphrase but they’re much more optimistic and self-satisfied than I am.
16
Woodpecker vs. snake. I wish Hollywood could make tension and suspense like this! I love the unseen guy with the camera modulating his voice as he says “Don’t move the boat.”
(Via an aggregator site that never attributes.)
2
Wanna have your heart SERIOUSLY WARMED? Watch that. It’s only scary for a second, and then it’s wonderful. Yay for the lady with the bright red hair!
86
Oh hey, someone is making a talking bobblehead doll of Johnny from The Room (!).
It’s going to be available in December.
I’m going to go a head and put this at the top of my Christmas wish list.
While they didn’t quite capture Tommy’s caveman-esque facial features, I do appreciate that he’s standing on a “roof”.
I expect to get at least 10 of these for Christmas.
94
In case U jerks ain’t herd, Gabe and Max have a new goddamn talk show. it iz freeeeeeeeeesh.
[Gabe and Max’s 100 Seconds #1]
(via details.com, the finest website for men)
Love this. Can’t wait! Good job, Gabe and Max. Also, good job director Dean Camp.
2
This stupid unfinished building, “the Carroll Gardens Eyesore,” looks down into my bedroom window-wall. Last night there were eerie lights up top, for the first time ever. Coincidence? I think not! The Daily News neglected to mention that it’s also full of raccoons.
98
“Kitten Climbs Cop During Traffic Stop”
Just when you think you know why this local news story is blog-worthy, it takes another turn.
53
Some Obvious Questions About This Week's Ridiculous Ethicist Column
“I have a very attractive wife. When she is out with our two cute baby girls, she often receives free groceries, free fast food — the guy at Dunkin’ Donuts loves her — and free clothes. Frequently she does not realize she has the gifts (or stolen goods) until she is in the car, driving away. Is it ethical for her to keep these gifts, or must she return them (which may get the giver fired)? CHRIS ALTMAN, ATLANTA”
From The Ethicist this weekend.
So, some things that EVERYONE WHO READ THIS probably also thought already, that are so obvious, in no particular order:
1. Did Chris Altman of Atlanta make a bet with his wife that he could have her extreme attractiveness mentioned in the New York Times before the year was done? And what were the terms of this bet? Surely, Chris Altman’s wife agreed to any terms, chuckling to herself, thinking that there was no way she could lose such an outrageous bet. So… is Chris Altman’s wife now a virtual sex slave? Should we alert the Atlanta authorities, or should we wait a few days for Chris Altman to officially cancel the terms of the bet out of empathy, exhaustion, or a combination of both?
2. Were additional sexual acts, hours, or even days added on to the terms of the bet if Chris Altman could get the New York Times to also mention the cuteness of the daughters? And isn’t that kind of a gross thing to include in a sex-bet? I mean, they’re children for God’s sake. Leave them out of your gross suburban boredom sex bet, Altmans. Those little girls have a tough enough time already, what with their mother driving them around counting her donuts instead of paying attention to the road.
3. Everyone has made sex-bets before in their lives, right? Okay.
4. Why are there so many Chris Altmans, when I just want to find a picture of this one, posing with his wife, on Google, so that I might make up my own mind about her attractiveness and the likelihood that she could get so much free stuff from it that it becomes and ethical issue of national importance? I don’t have all day.
5. And, ultimately: how is Chris Altman’s wife staying so hot when she gets so much free fast food, including donuts, that it’s become an ethical issue of national importance? Does she give the donuts to the kids? Or, wait — does Chris Altman’s wife have an eating disorder? Oh my god, Chris Altman’s wife, the non-attentive driver currently living a life of perpetual sexual servitude somewhere in the greater Atlanta area, is totally probably bulimic! And also maybe fucking the Dunkin’ Donuts guy on the side. After all, he loves her.
4
Oh my god, are those green things what I think they are? Are they little stoppers that keep your latte from spilling all over you? The little stoppers that EVERYONE INVENTS every time they get Starbucks in non-summer months? These actually exist? It’s pumpkin spice (aka “the stainiest”) season! Regular non-scientologists should be allowed to have these too!
Mark Graham just told me that they have these around the country but just not, apparently, in New York. You know, the place where people WALK AROUND the most WITHOUT CUPHOLDERS on their bodies (other than hands). Perfect. That makes total sense. (Also poor Katie, etc.)
5
So my friend Googled “muffin top” just now for some reason, and noticed that the timing of Google’s indexing of the slang term’s wikipedia entry (the #1 result) was unfortunate for one young lady. Be careful out there, pranksters.
