I did it last night. It’s really REALLY fun and just an amazing experience. These last four days are CRUCIAL. Don’t let anyone tell you the election has been decided, because it hasn’t — those evangelicals have a way of coming out of the woodwork after a good Sunday morning push from the pulpit. And we just don’t have as many people who will vote however some preacher tells them to!
You can sign up there and call voters in battleground states from home, or find phone banks or calling parties in your neighborhood. It’s really fun, I swear. I’m not trying to be obnoxious — the point here is: don’t be nervous — it’s really fun. Get some friends together and call from home!
My Election Result Fantasies Are Kind Of Messed Up
Yesterday I was walking and there was nothing to look at so I decided to prepare myself for the election by fantasizing about either outcome. I haven’t allowed myself to do this yet, so it was a big moment. I’ll be watching with good friends, so I’ll be able to cry either way, but here’s what I came up with:
Scenario: I lie down on my friend’s apartment floor and cry myself to sleep.
Soundtrack: Mozart’s Requiem
Scenario: We all spin around in circles as confetti falls from the ceiling. The camera (yes, there’s a “camera”, I don’t know) zooms in on each of our faces, which are glowing as tears of joy fall freely.
Soundtrack: “It’s Raining Men.” —ZZZZIP — WHAT? Why is that the song, my brain? That song doesn’t make sense.
I’ve clearly seen too many movies where that’s the “victory” song, but now I can’t get it out of my head, for real.
Related: Since one of the busted-up church cults I was in as a child now has its own Facebook group, maybe I should pitch that story somewhere? I’m thinking “My Former Cult Has A Facebook Group” could be the new “My Tivo Thinks I’m Gay.”
later this week when i am buying a coffee or something the fact that this was posted on a blog in 2008 will make me laugh to myself to the point where the person behind me thinks i’m totally mentally ill
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Forget google-checks, that poor lady should probably skip straight to Snopes.
Has anyone done anything on the death of the simile? We all know the “like or as” rule, but everyone just says “metaphor” because, really. RIP the simile: Whenever - the past few years. It’s like “defenestration”: a totally unecessary word. Except simile had the distinction of more know-it-all defenders. There’s a metaphor there.
I have this thing, not so much a joke as an oft-repeated conversational idea thing, about how eventually we’ll all take one drug, a placebo with the brand name “Placeeba.” I’m sure this idea has been thoroughly explored by sci-fi, but I just like my name for it, and imagining the TV ads (“Do you ever feel just…not right?”) and the list of side effects. So this NY Times article about how 50% of doctors admit to prescribing real drugs as placebos caught my eye, especially this part:
"Earlier this year, a Maryland mother announced that she would start selling dextrose tablets as a children’s placebo called Obecalp, for “placebo” spelled backward."
There are so many interesting things about that! Like, it’s funny that she chose that name, as if any kid who knows the word placebo can’t also crack her secret code. As a former hypochondriac child, I would have laughed so hard if my parents presented me with Obecalp. Hypochondriacs sort of, you know, know their shit. That’s like 80% of the problem right there! That Maryland mother should probably take her kids to the hospital, because they’re probably actually sick. (Also, what if the people in studies who feel better after taking placebos just have low blood sugar?) Placebos are so interesting.
It’s an awfully complete list of well-worn women’s mag cliches (spot a fake handbag, really?), but I think all those lists are probably because I don’t read them. I’m too busy beautifully wrapping gifts and applying lip gloss in the dark.
Don't Get Me Wrong, I'm A Sucker And 2/3 For Gladwell
But by the time one (me, you, whatever) gets to the Jonathan Safran Foer part of this, aren’t we (me, you, one, whatever) a little like “Maybe the cream doesn’t rise to the top, maybe the cream moves to New York City and drinks with the right people.” (I don’t really think that’s true of JSF, I just really wanted to say that line.)
The whole thing is predicated upon the idea that geniuses are universally and objectively recognized as such, when everyone knows that is not true. It can’t be true. Nothing against the geniuses profiled (as I know they, particularly Cezanne, have Google Alerts), but Malcolm Gladwell of all people should maybe acknowledge that it’s statistically unlikely that the best are the ones most celebrated. It just seems weird. Don’t we all know that the best stuff, if anyone ever sees it, is being created by people who are so less “Look at me with all my brilliance!” than anyone we’ve ever met? I thought that was a very particular comfort, knowing that. (Now I’m going to read the second half.)
Cool idea, but maybe it’s because it’s a UK version — my Speak and Spell said “EHHH! That’s Not It!” when I got something wrong. I used to say it all the time as a kid when someone was wrong about something. I was a barrel of fun then, too.
On this week’s Friday Fight on Videogum we joked about Mark Wahlberg secretly hating Andy Samberg’s SNL parody of him. From an interview with Mark in today’s Page Six:
"Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn’t like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that’s for sure. And "Saturday Night Live" hasn’t been funny for a long time. They’ve asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don’t even know who’s on the show now."