I purchased several of these “cookbooks” to give as gifts to my mom, my step-mom and mother-in-law for Christmas, as well as one to keep for myself. I didn’t have time to look over the cookbook until the weekend before Christmas (after I had wrapped and mailed my gifts) and was shocked to find vulgar language, discussion on feminine hygiene, and other offensive (when not expected—especially in a cookbook!)content. Even though the intent was probably humor when the book was written, I had to make a lot of apologies and was embarassed to have purchased such an item for my mothers! The book should be rated “R” for content, and a warning issued regarding its content prior to a purchase.
This is almost good enough to have been written by Sedaris herself. Almost.
What To Do When Anonymous People Are Unfairly Mean To You On The Internet
Reverse pay it forward: think of three people whose work you admire, and write them a “just because” email saying so. It will make you feel better, and hopefully they’ll think of it the next time anonymous people are unfairly mean to them on the internet. (Next week.)
(Yes, I know this sounds like Ann Landers 2.0. But it works!)
Update: Dun dun dunnnn….draconian! (These people were probably inactive users just looking for an excuse.)
If Facebook thinks they can repackage my claim to have interest in “ninjas, epileptic chihuahuas, and silence” as a book, article, or film adaptation, they are more than welcome to try.
This should only be an issue for people who are uploading original photos and notes they’d like to see published at some point (“25 Things About Me”, Granta, Spring 2011)—in which case, UPLOAD THAT SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE. And link to it if you must.
There. See? Not complicated.
I’ve conveniently bolded the funniest sentence I’ve read this year.
Staying true to Curb’s unique brand of Jewish humor, Cam says that he wants to include Jewish people in the project. “Right now while I’m writing my show, it’s a lot of stuff that has to do with Jewish people,” he said. “So I called my lawyer, my man Andrew Bergman, and I’m like listen, would I be allowed to do this because I don’t wanna offend anybody.”
Carrie Fisher has a blog. I haven’t found a blog and read the entire thing in one sitting in like two years, but it’s a very new blog and it’s CARRIE FUCKING FISHER. You think you don’t have a filter? Carrie Fisher does not have a filter. Carrie Fisher is the only person I don’t secretly begrudge their TMI. Carrie Fisher is amazing. Read Carrie Fisher’s blog.
Okay, how to set this up: I hate astrology, don’t believe in acupunture (except as a placebo, which I very much believe in), and generally consider myself to be in the top 5% when it comes to automatic skepticism. But I’m also kind of impulsive, so when I was trying to fulfill my audible.com monthly book-on-tape credit last weekend, I forwent actual “books” and got an hour-long hypnosis tape called Complete Relaxation, an excerpt of which is above. Yes, I know this sounds like something Liz Lemon would do, and I’m fine with that.
Oh, it’s because, like many people and basically all my friends, I can’t relax, ever, and I can’t get massages because I have a thing about paying strangers to touch me, and I can’t go to a shrink because I have a thing about paying strangers to pretend to be my friends, and so far my method of self-relaxation has been to say over and over in my head “Re the fuck lax! Re the fuck lax!,” which isn’t a good method. Also, the occasional Klonopin, which is.
SO ANYWAY, I’ve been listening to this thing on my ipod in bed each night this week, and I don’t know if this is hilarious to anyone else, but it’s SO HILARIOUS to me. Like, I turn it on, and I lie there and laugh in bed for a few minutes, and then I don’t remember the rest because I fall asleep really fast. So for all I know, this guy could be telling my unconscious brain ANYTHING after the first ten minutes.
But just listen to that sample! Why does he speak in that cliche “hypnosis-voice”? I’ve never been hypnotized, but I assume that there have been advances in the field since Bugs Bunny cartoons. But no. He uses that voice, and that voice makes me laugh, and then it makes me fall asleep. I especially love when he says “Maybe before a meeting or performance of some kind.” It makes me dissolve into giggles, and it’s been an entire week, and I can’t just let this be an inside joke with myself anymore. I have to share Britain’s most famous hypnotist, Glenn Harold, with my internet friends.
I don’t know if I’m more relaxed, by the way, but I do wish that relaxation hypnosis tapes were more of a common experience that we all share, because I have about 20 ideas for sketches/parodies of this thing, and I already do a mean impression.
Because the ipod just goes on to the next book on tape, I awoke at 4 am this morning halfway through the audiobook of “Eat, Pray, Love,” which was exactly as disorienting and terrifying as it sounds. (Another impulse audible purchase - not recommended.)
I See Your Latest Gadget, And I Raise You A Heart Rate Monitor Watch
I bought a heart rate monitor watch because it was on sale on Amazon and I wanted to know if doing jumping jacks while watching House, MD was enough exercise. Anyway, after owning it for 24 hours I have not done any jumping jacks, but I have spent about 20 minutes making my heart rate go up and down with just my thoughts. It totally works!
Another possible use for my heart rate monitor watch: if I get in an argument with a friend (about, like, whether Slumdog Millionaire was good or not), I can check my heart rate on my watch and say “Yeah, I’m sorry, this conversation is raising my heart rate, that’s how mad I am at you for not understanding that it’s not supposed to be “realistic”, it’s a fairy tale and a triumph of the human spirit.” (WILL LEITCH)
In an interview with Gothamist today, David Cross acknowledged “David’s Law,” my rule of not speaking to celebrities. I’m going to try very hard to be humble about this. Luckily, I have good friends to keep me grounded so I don’t believe my own hype and turn into an asshole.