Lindsay Robertson

I think I’ve put this up every two years of my blogging life, but it’s just the BEST:

I’ve always wanted to be Susan.

(Inspired by @Euphorianth)

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If you’d told me when I woke up this morning that the most disgusting thing I’d see all day on the internet would be a fancy clean bathtub, I would have been…surprised.

(Via Coolhunting, who do not seem to know that this bathtub is primally revolting.)

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Gorgeous Lady Reading Fifty Shades of Grey on Crowded Rush Hour B Train Tonight: An Imagined Internal Monologue:

“Yeah, bitch, I know you’re taking my picture, but nice try.

Notice that I’m on PAGE THREE of this fucking thing.

I’m just getting through the stupid exposition so I’ll be exactly at the first sex part when I go to bed later in my apartment that is much nicer than yours.

It’s called “Time management.” I’m a CEO or some shit and this kind of thing that I’m doing right now is exactly why.

So keep taking my picture while craning your neck to “look at your phone.” I do.not.give.a.fuck. I am the coolest person in this city right now, and everyone on this train knows it.”

This Is Why I Never Go To Parties Anymore

In order to remain true to this Tumblr’s tagline, from time to time I have to share things like this, okay?: Last night I did a rare thing and went to a party (I prefer to have my own “parties” consisting of the first five friends to answer a last-minute late afternoon text). Even rarer, I showed up at the party after 11 and after drinking since 4. Anyway, it was really fun and two people spilled wine on me and I spilled wine on myself and we all laughed and said goodbye to our dear friend Josh and enjoyed the hospitality of the beautiful Bex. And also I was so drunk that at least 10 people asked me where I’d been before the party, probably thinking it was a wedding or a tequila shot drinking contest or something, to which I got to cheerfully and confusingly answer “Just home!” And then, this morning, I got to have this conversation:

Friend to me: “You were so drunk last night that even [REDACTED FUN PARTY PERSON] commented on how drunk you were.”

Me: “Yeah, well, I woke up at 6 am on the couch with my face IN a microwaved Trader Joe’s spinach lasagna container that was 80% uneaten. Also, my glasses were in it, next to my face. My face was kind of on the side of the container and I’d reached some kind of comfortable configuration with the pillow.”

Friend: “Wow. So did you eat the rest?”

Me: “Immediately. But I can’t believe I fell asleep WHILE EATING!”

Friend: “I don’t think that’s called ‘falling asleep.’”

Anyway, Lindsay’s Big Night Out! It was actually very fun, and I will try to go to more parties in the future. With some tweaks. (And Josh, I will miss you terribly and I’m sorry you had to be part of this disgusting post.)

I was just curious about what would come up.

Hey, Remember “The Book”? From the ’80s?

This morning I awoke from a dream in which I had written a runaway bestseller titled “The Book” (it was meta) and then I remembered that there’s already been a bestseller called “The Book,” and it was everywhere during the 1980’s. It was a version of the Bible with a blue cover, and I guess the idea was to trick people into reading the Bible. I remember understanding that gimmick even as a young kid. I also remember it being considered some weird kind of fundamentalist version of “uncool” to bring The Book to church with you instead of your regular Bible. It was like the sellout version of The Bible, and those in the know did some kind of fundamentalist version of hipster sneering at it. (There’s nothing funnier to me than a group of people who regularly broke out into spontaneous tongue-speaking and sacred dance finding absolutely anything “uncool.”)

Anyway, there were commercials for it all the time starring mostly C-list celebrities, and it is quite possibly one of the hardest bestselling books to search for on Google or Amazon, but then I tried YouTube and hit pay dirt and I am, I’m sorry, truly, QUITE PLEASED WITH MYSELF for finding this gem, which is over three years old and has the star of Arrested Development in it but only 700 views!:

Bonus: The Christmas version, which doesn’t have any famous people in it. Anyway, THE BOOK!

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Cool idea! Unfortunate tagline.

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I printed and read Maud Newton’s excellent NYT Magazine piece My Son Went to Heaven and All I Got Was a Bestseller while I ate my lunch just now, and then I got to this automatically pulled-in part at the end, and I did a spit-take. One of these things is not like the others. Caught!

Growing up in Tallahassee had its benefits, I guess! (Yeah, we know what our capitol looks like.)

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Celebs before/after retouching. “Closed her mouth.”

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I don’t know if “generous” is the correct word here, but one has to maximize one’s entries for something this important.

On sale this week for just $1.99 at CVS (reg. retail: $4.99-$5.49)! Cha-ching!

(NO, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!)

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Farewell to one of the greatest TV shows of all time. It seems like a miracle that they managed to pull it off.

I love Rich Juzwiak’s essay about Eastbound and the American dream.

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The Edward Norton/Groupon Earth Day partnership confuses and irritates me.

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“General atmosphere.”