Some Obvious Questions About This Week's Ridiculous Ethicist Column

“I have a very attractive wife. When she is out with our two cute baby girls, she often receives free groceries, free fast food — the guy at Dunkin’ Donuts loves her — and free clothes. Frequently she does not realize she has the gifts (or stolen goods) until she is in the car, driving away. Is it ethical for her to keep these gifts, or must she return them (which may get the giver fired)? CHRIS ALTMAN, ATLANTA”

From The Ethicist this weekend.

So, some things that EVERYONE WHO READ THIS probably also thought already, that are so obvious, in no particular order:

1. Did Chris Altman of Atlanta make a bet with his wife that he could have her extreme attractiveness mentioned in the New York Times before the year was done? And what were the terms of this bet? Surely, Chris Altman’s wife agreed to any terms, chuckling to herself, thinking that there was no way she could lose such an outrageous bet. So… is Chris Altman’s wife now a virtual sex slave? Should we alert the Atlanta authorities, or should we wait a few days for Chris Altman to officially cancel the terms of the bet out of empathy, exhaustion, or a combination of both?

2. Were additional sexual acts, hours, or even days added on to the terms of the bet if Chris Altman could get the New York Times to also mention the cuteness of the daughters? And isn’t that kind of a gross thing to include in a sex-bet? I mean, they’re children for God’s sake. Leave them out of your gross suburban boredom sex bet, Altmans. Those little girls have a tough enough time already, what with their mother driving them around counting her donuts instead of paying attention to the road.

3. Everyone has made sex-bets before in their lives, right? Okay.

4. Why are there so many Chris Altmans, when I just want to find a picture of this one, posing with his wife, on Google, so that I might make up my own mind about her attractiveness and the likelihood that she could get so much free stuff from it that it becomes and ethical issue of national importance? I don’t have all day.

5. And, ultimately: how is Chris Altman’s wife staying so hot when she gets so much free fast food, including donuts, that it’s become an ethical issue of national importance? Does she give the donuts to the kids? Or, wait — does Chris Altman’s wife have an eating disorder? Oh my god, Chris Altman’s wife, the non-attentive driver currently living a life of perpetual sexual servitude somewhere in the greater Atlanta area, is totally probably bulimic! And also maybe fucking the Dunkin’ Donuts guy on the side. After all, he loves her.